Be Congruent, Be Mindful

The concept of being congruent came about during my learning days as a psychologist. There were many things about life I was being challenged on then: Why do I do the things I do? What were my motivations? What was my purpose? Some of which I had no answers to. In order to get answers, an exercise I had to do was writing down what I valued most in my life and ranking them in order of priority; and subsequently, evaluating my calendar and to-do lists to see if what I had valued most showed up in appropriate proportion to the amount of time I had given them.

For example, if I valued family as important, have I apportioned the appropriate amount of time for family on my calendar? If I had not, then my congruency is off! Going home for dinner and putting the kids to bed does not count unless it is “100% focus” time with them.

At a glance, it would seem very scary and stressful to go through such an exercise. On the contrary, it was quite liberating and fulfilling. Many of the tasks I needed to do were actually aligned to what was important to me, and I was leading a congruent life. The beauty of leading a congruent life is that what matters to you seems to be attracted to you at the same time. If time was important to me, surprisingly, I would have a lot of time to do what I needed to do. Not that I would compromise on other areas to make up for time. Those areas would be attended to as well. I was simply getting things done more efficiently.

Passion and Passion Overdrive

I have a passion for working with youths; everything I do in my life comprises reaching out or attending to them in some way. It could be rendering help, conducting a programme, coming up with policies or writing a paper. Resources, leverages and opportunities seem to always come my way. I remember a friend once commented candidly, “You live such a congruent life; you eat, sleep, bathe and even sneeze in your passion! No wonder everything always comes together for you!”

Without a doubt, there was truth to what my friend said. However, there is too much of a good thing. Over time, passion went on overdrive without me realizing it. The important things began to take a back seat. I took on too many responsibilities in pursuit of greater fulfilment, that time slowly became something I did not have. I was going for many more meetings, was out of the house for nights on end, and I was deviating further and further away from what was important to me, such as family. What happened?

What happened?

Mindfulness

To live a congruent life, there needs to be awareness or ‘mindfulness.’ It is really about how we live our life in a conscious and purposeful way, constantly tuning in to what is happening in and around us. It is not easy, but neither is it impossible. I realised very quickly that I lacked deep awareness of what I was doing and why. I was in the routine of things – get up for work, send the kids to school, go for lunch, go for meetings, fetch the kids from school, prepare dinner, shower the kids, go to sleep and the next day, the cycle starts over again! How quickly this led to misalignment, and doing things that were no longer purposeful and congruent to what was important to me.

To get back on track, I’ve learnt to put aside reflection time, which enables me to enter a space where I can be aware of the situation, environment, the people around me and myself; it enables me to be aware of what was going on in my mind and body. Such time allows me to recount what had happened, consider what is happening and anticipate what is going to happen at many levels, and on different fronts, understanding its impact. I could self-regulate and make conscious decisions that would steer me back or keep me on course. I could be very deliberate in my thoughts and actions moving forward, achieving congruency every step of the way.

 

It helps that I know what works for me, so I devised a mechanism to create reflection time: writing!

 

I am no perfect human being. I am aware that I constantly steer off-course and need to steer back in again. It helps that I know what works for me, so I devised a mechanism to create reflection time: writing! It improves my mental focus and strengthens my ability to establish emotional balance for myself. It would enhance my capacity for kindness, empathy, compassion and enables me to build healthy relationships at home and at work.

Believe it or not, it has helped me decide what kind of work to be involved in. We spend the most amount of time at work every day, therefore, in order for me to achieve congruence, I better align my job with what is important to me. Is there such a thing as aligning a job to what is important to me, and what I stand for?

I am fully congruent here at Emergenetics. What about you?

 

By Nicholas Gabriel Lim, Director of Development, Education and Youth, Emergenetics International – Asia Pacific